Remember when I was moving this summer? Me too. LOL. Still here against all odds.
When I bet on myself I surely thought my ROI would be much faster than this. You know when you think you hit rock bottom and you're like it's all uphill from here! Now try thinking you've hit it about 5 times, and finally deciding you're just going to stay at the bottom until further notice.
I did a fun thing when I thought I was moving a couple months ago. I completely withdrew. I completely gave up on everything I was working towards because I decided it all didn't matter because I was about to move. And I have had to swallow my pride and go back to building, or just abandon some of those projects. It's an uncomfortable place to be. Too many people know where I am is not where I want to be. I'm so disappointed in myself for still being here, but also for not emotionally preparing myself to still be here. It's been a rough start to the sophomore year of adulting. I had a rough sophomore year of high school- then of college- and now I'm due another four years later for another sophomore year.
But what I've learned from my sophomore years is that it's going to be okay. Yes, it sucks at the time. And it just sucks when it sucks. And I'm over it. But I also learned from those years that I have choices that I can make each and every day. And they're not the easy choices or the choices I consciously want to make. But deep down there are choices I need to make for the Christina of a week or a month from now, and the Christina of the future to not look back at another sophomore year and say, wow, that was trash.
A week and a half ago, on Monday night, I completely lost it. I would say again, because this has already happened many times but this was the worst yet. I was supposed to be going to sleep in t minus 10 minutes, but I found myself sobbing like I haven't sobbed in a long, long time. I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I just couldn't do it. I haven't been myself. I'm a relatively content person. It doesn't take much for me to be happy and it takes a lot to get me down. But I was just looking at myself and I've just been down, and frustrated. My mind has not been a fun place to be. I have so much anxiety and disappointment in myself and frustration that I don't know how to handle. I can't keep doing this I kept sobbing. This isn't me, this isn't what I want. I'm burned out on the job search. I'm burned out on living here, of not really having friends and having family so far away. I'm burned out of my new job which has been inheriting an absolute cluster and trying to make sense of it. I'm sick of waking up every day and wondering how I still live here and why. And all I could think is Christina you have a choice every day to have a heart of gratitude. But it is so hard right now. My heart does not feel grateful. My spirit is not light. And this holds me back from glorifying God and living the life he wants for me. Usually when I cry, I get it out and can move on. But I haven't been able to quite move on. I'm still emotional, and I don't know if that'll change for a while. I still am in a tough mind space. My circumstance is not changing. At least not soon. But in the meantime I must do what I can to choose joy. I must set myself up for joy. I must push myself to give myself every opportunity to find content. I don't have to be okay. Because I'm not. But I have to take care of myself. I can't let myself be stressed and down. I must practice self care and not just by distracting my mind. But by pressing in. Because the circumstances will never be good. And I'm not going to be happy about them. But while I am here I must do everything I can to help myself press through. I must be strong and give myself everything I can to stay strong. I must be gentle with myself. Because I must persevere. And I would really like to do so sans the breakdowns and the depressed evenings and weekends. Because I'm sad. And it's okay to be sad. For this is a season and this season will end. God is good. God will provide.
When I bet on myself I surely thought my ROI would be much faster than this. You know when you think you hit rock bottom and you're like it's all uphill from here! Now try thinking you've hit it about 5 times, and finally deciding you're just going to stay at the bottom until further notice.
I did a fun thing when I thought I was moving a couple months ago. I completely withdrew. I completely gave up on everything I was working towards because I decided it all didn't matter because I was about to move. And I have had to swallow my pride and go back to building, or just abandon some of those projects. It's an uncomfortable place to be. Too many people know where I am is not where I want to be. I'm so disappointed in myself for still being here, but also for not emotionally preparing myself to still be here. It's been a rough start to the sophomore year of adulting. I had a rough sophomore year of high school- then of college- and now I'm due another four years later for another sophomore year.
But what I've learned from my sophomore years is that it's going to be okay. Yes, it sucks at the time. And it just sucks when it sucks. And I'm over it. But I also learned from those years that I have choices that I can make each and every day. And they're not the easy choices or the choices I consciously want to make. But deep down there are choices I need to make for the Christina of a week or a month from now, and the Christina of the future to not look back at another sophomore year and say, wow, that was trash.
A week and a half ago, on Monday night, I completely lost it. I would say again, because this has already happened many times but this was the worst yet. I was supposed to be going to sleep in t minus 10 minutes, but I found myself sobbing like I haven't sobbed in a long, long time. I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I just couldn't do it. I haven't been myself. I'm a relatively content person. It doesn't take much for me to be happy and it takes a lot to get me down. But I was just looking at myself and I've just been down, and frustrated. My mind has not been a fun place to be. I have so much anxiety and disappointment in myself and frustration that I don't know how to handle. I can't keep doing this I kept sobbing. This isn't me, this isn't what I want. I'm burned out on the job search. I'm burned out on living here, of not really having friends and having family so far away. I'm burned out of my new job which has been inheriting an absolute cluster and trying to make sense of it. I'm sick of waking up every day and wondering how I still live here and why. And all I could think is Christina you have a choice every day to have a heart of gratitude. But it is so hard right now. My heart does not feel grateful. My spirit is not light. And this holds me back from glorifying God and living the life he wants for me. Usually when I cry, I get it out and can move on. But I haven't been able to quite move on. I'm still emotional, and I don't know if that'll change for a while. I still am in a tough mind space. My circumstance is not changing. At least not soon. But in the meantime I must do what I can to choose joy. I must set myself up for joy. I must push myself to give myself every opportunity to find content. I don't have to be okay. Because I'm not. But I have to take care of myself. I can't let myself be stressed and down. I must practice self care and not just by distracting my mind. But by pressing in. Because the circumstances will never be good. And I'm not going to be happy about them. But while I am here I must do everything I can to help myself press through. I must be strong and give myself everything I can to stay strong. I must be gentle with myself. Because I must persevere. And I would really like to do so sans the breakdowns and the depressed evenings and weekends. Because I'm sad. And it's okay to be sad. For this is a season and this season will end. God is good. God will provide.