Times of great anticipation.
Times of great anxiety.
Times of little sleep and big dreams.
Times of wondering what's next after your four biggest goals have been met. And then a goal that hadn't even reached your radar could be completed.
It's ludicrous, really.
I would say this is all a dream if I could only sleep. I would say it was a dream, if my heard didn't pound in my chest in anxiety. The improbable has for far happened- sign off from my manager, an interview, no mention of my lack of experience. I was one of two people interviewed, they wanted to wrap everything up by the end of the week. So now it's just a weekend of waiting, and trying to push past my overwhelming desire to fast forward to when I will know, and trying to temper my expectations that this will occur on Monday. I'm trying to make it okay either way, I'm trying to play it cool. I'm trying to tell myself that this is improbable, so I shouldn't be upset if it doesn't happen. But alas, it's me, and my mind wanders so easily. How could it not? I feel like I'm a shoe in, a no brainer, like this is all just a formality. But then again maybe it isn't. Maybe reality can still catch up with the dream I have floated on for the past week and a half. And maybe it will all be over, and I will have to re-accept the life I was so prepared to live out for seven more months.
But maybe it's not. And maybe this was always how it was supposed to go. And maybe the struggle makes it sweeter, and maybe, just maybe this is it. It means so much to me that I can't help letting it consume my thoughts, my hopes, my temperament. I've been a mess over a job that may or may not be mine. I've been a mess because it's so obviously mine, but so obviously not. I'm too logical for this to be possible, to really believe this could be it. And if it doesn't happen it will be one of the most bitter tricks, the most manipulative of dreams. It's more than I even wanted or could have hoped for. It is a dream. And I want the dream that I feel like I can't possibly deserve. My heart aches for it. It feels like a dream that got out of control, that I forgot to keep within the realms of reality. But this dream wasn't set forth by me. It's not a lack of trust, it's a lack of belief on my part that this could actually happen. Because it actually could.
Life is a dream that keeps me from sleeping, but one that gives me nightmares when I finally succumb to sleep.
I just want it to be over, I just want to know. My patience has never been great, but this one is especially hurting. Because forty hours a week of frustration are a lot to manage. Because the past (not even, but close) five months have been such a struggle, and so frustrating, and agonizing. And I was prepared, I had accepted my fate of another seven months. And out of the blue a way out appeared. Out of the blue, the impossible was suddenly a very possible reality. I just want it so badly I ache for it. I ache for what was not even a dream a month ago, but now has consumed my hopes, and also my fears.
Oh for grace to trust Him more.
Times of great anxiety.
Times of little sleep and big dreams.
Times of wondering what's next after your four biggest goals have been met. And then a goal that hadn't even reached your radar could be completed.
It's ludicrous, really.
I would say this is all a dream if I could only sleep. I would say it was a dream, if my heard didn't pound in my chest in anxiety. The improbable has for far happened- sign off from my manager, an interview, no mention of my lack of experience. I was one of two people interviewed, they wanted to wrap everything up by the end of the week. So now it's just a weekend of waiting, and trying to push past my overwhelming desire to fast forward to when I will know, and trying to temper my expectations that this will occur on Monday. I'm trying to make it okay either way, I'm trying to play it cool. I'm trying to tell myself that this is improbable, so I shouldn't be upset if it doesn't happen. But alas, it's me, and my mind wanders so easily. How could it not? I feel like I'm a shoe in, a no brainer, like this is all just a formality. But then again maybe it isn't. Maybe reality can still catch up with the dream I have floated on for the past week and a half. And maybe it will all be over, and I will have to re-accept the life I was so prepared to live out for seven more months.
But maybe it's not. And maybe this was always how it was supposed to go. And maybe the struggle makes it sweeter, and maybe, just maybe this is it. It means so much to me that I can't help letting it consume my thoughts, my hopes, my temperament. I've been a mess over a job that may or may not be mine. I've been a mess because it's so obviously mine, but so obviously not. I'm too logical for this to be possible, to really believe this could be it. And if it doesn't happen it will be one of the most bitter tricks, the most manipulative of dreams. It's more than I even wanted or could have hoped for. It is a dream. And I want the dream that I feel like I can't possibly deserve. My heart aches for it. It feels like a dream that got out of control, that I forgot to keep within the realms of reality. But this dream wasn't set forth by me. It's not a lack of trust, it's a lack of belief on my part that this could actually happen. Because it actually could.
Life is a dream that keeps me from sleeping, but one that gives me nightmares when I finally succumb to sleep.
I just want it to be over, I just want to know. My patience has never been great, but this one is especially hurting. Because forty hours a week of frustration are a lot to manage. Because the past (not even, but close) five months have been such a struggle, and so frustrating, and agonizing. And I was prepared, I had accepted my fate of another seven months. And out of the blue a way out appeared. Out of the blue, the impossible was suddenly a very possible reality. I just want it so badly I ache for it. I ache for what was not even a dream a month ago, but now has consumed my hopes, and also my fears.
Oh for grace to trust Him more.